POST post-traumatic-stress…

you have been there for me.
but I could not see you
when I cried, you have been ther
you took me in your arms,
you just waited and made me feel you were ther
I still felt alone
that was what the trauma did to me
now I know that you were always there
you did not leave me alone
you were 100% with me
when I cried
when I screamed
when I felt frightened
when I felt negative
when I needed to run away
when I felt like killing myself

Now I see that
you would not let me drown
I went very deep
but you were there
next to me
holding me
not letting me go
not letting me pull you down with me
strong and safe
I was so lonely

I felt safe wth you
all the world went mad
nothing was stable
everything frightened me
you were the only safe thing in my life
the only person I trusted
the only person I dared to open up to
the only person I let go with
the only person I shared my pain with
my anger
my fear

you were there for me
months and months
like a rock
my waves of darkest sadness crashed against you
again and again
without breaking you
without pulling you with me into the deepest sea.
I could hold on to you
you did not let me go
now I know
you were with me
all the time
and all the time means all the time

I cant remember once
when I have felt let down by you
when I really needed you during that time
you were the only stable thing there was
it must have been hard for you at times
confronted with so much negativity
with loss of all motivation to live
loss of all hope, of all joy
without signs of recovery for weeks.

But you trusted in me
and you trusted in time
you told me that better times will come
I did not believe you
you told me you were with me
I still felt alone

Now I realize how much you have done for me.
How much you have been there for me
how deep I would have fallen without you.
Only now I see that I was not alone
during all the time when I felt so so so lonely
you were with me
I could not see you
but somewhere I knew you were there

I don’t know how I would have survived this time without you
and I don’t even want to think about it
I am just deeply grateful to you
more than I have ever felt to anybody
your love and your patience with me had indescribable dimensions
it goes to the deepest ground in my own self
I so much value what you have done
it means so much to me
and it will always, always connect us
I will never forget
it just seems wonderful and incredible
that you were so much there for me during all that time
makes me cry
cry of love, of meaning
of valuing you so much

thank you.